It's official:

ONE YEAR UNTIL OUR WEDDING!

Levels of Complication

Level One: FDR and I are separated by 450 miles of distance.
We have learned over the last three years to finds ways to see each other regularly and have the technology to talk all the time. It is still difficult, but only one more year left.

Level Two: FDR is in a MD/PhD program.
His time is precious. My time with him is precious. It has taken time, but I truly have adjusted and respect that I am #2 priority because the demand for attention and commitment is so severe.

Level Three: Our wedding is next year.
Planning a wedding is stressful and all other complications or issues are magnified because everyone is getting involved with their opinions and advice. This also means that if FDR disagree, somehow the issues of disagreement are somehow never going to be resolved for the rest of our lives (as people so abrasively advised me).

Level Four: Families be advised to butt out.
The future inlaws expressed their hurt when FDR comes to visit that they are not included to spend time. I am sure it is hard to understand and respect that they are now #3. They have been bumped two spots. However, they also need to understand that being a part of a family does not necessarily mean that constant contact and full disclosure of relationships are assumed. I was raised as a lone wolf (I speak to my grandfather and half sisters here and there when I can) and esstentially on my own. When things come up our family is there with no questions asked. FDR's seems to be the former...It may not be to others, but it is really for foreign to me, so when I hear it I am extra sensitive and protective of my life and they way I live it. The rejection of that involvement does not mean a rejection of the family. Comprendo?

Level Five: Believers vs. Nonbelievers?
Now here comes the reason for this post. My future mother-in-law express that FDR's father and her are worried that he is a "believer" and I am a "nonbeliever." It confused me for a second because I thought she was talking about him being a dreamer or an idealist...hahaha I am so naive. No, she meant because I am an atheist. Oh boy, well I wasn't about to set her straight with what his beliefs are because it could potentially be devestating for them (FDR's dad is a pastor). I have tried to be respectful, but somehow they think that he doesn't attend church because I want him to stay home with me. Hmmm...what? Makes no sense. If you are a religious person and were devoted to church, I don't think I would anyone keeping me from going. Just because I reject theism, does not mean I am not any less spiritual or have morality.

Level Six: WTF will it end? 
So how are these levels resolved? By when? And by who? Feeling kinda lost right now, but I figure over time I will find the right balance of senstivity and thick skin. I am who I am. Regardless of any bs I have just listed, FDR and I are on the same page. That is what takes priority.

Recap of Awesomeness

So my birthday was rather amazing. I had my favorite person in town for an extended stay. He stayed until he had to present his study to the university, which he won an award for(so proud).

Watched LMFAO in concert, had my fiesta, and was off work for two days to spend some quality time.

I did separate my shoulder during a game, which is LAME! I have a game this Saturday and I am unsure how "healed" I am.

So I have been working on my vows...I know it's a little early, but I stumbled upon a worksheet and I decided to give a try. Wow, I am so goofy! I really want to post a prompt that blossomed into hilarity, but I rather FDR not hear it or read it till the day, because it is too good to waste.

Hope all is well out there in blogverse. I'm actually better than I have been the last six months.

Busy Business

I haven't written in a while...I have found a way to keep myself occupied.

I recently moved in with a good friend of mine and starting playing rugby after taking a few years off. I am so happy to be playing with the ladies again. So much tension is released! Although I have a bunch of bruises now, it gives FDR a reason to play doctor with me the next time I see him.

I am traveling down to his neck of the woods for a game. YAY! He is going to be the team trainer and tape some ankles, knees and such. I am excited for him to watch one of my games.

Also, it's my birthday this Saturday. I feel so old yet so young at the same time. Being a quarter of a century is a big milestone, but I feel like it has only just begun. I am actually having a birthday party. I have always hated my birthday, but something tells me it's going to be different. FDR can finally have some fun on my birthday since the last three years the university has scheduled a symposium so he has had to miss them.

Hope all is well! 

I found this on Medscape's Blog found on http://www.medscape.com/medscapetoday. Thought I would share:

Marriage and the business of medicine

Greg Hood, MD, Internal Medicine, 04:04PM Aug 14, 2011

Wives of sailors are often known to refer to the sea their chief competitor for their husband's attentions. Maureen O'Hara famously referred to the United States Army as her only rival in She Wore a Yellow Ribbon when visiting her estranged husband, played by John Wayne. Judging by how the practice of medicine is regarded and the impacts it can have surely it ties or surpasses these two preceding examples in the profundity of its effects. More so than in the past, a medical marriage may be wholly composed of those who are engaged in the business of medicine. Today the physician in a marriage may be of either gender, both may be physicians, or the spouse may work within the practice as staff or manager. There exists today such a complex variety of professional titles and responsibilities for couples in a physician marriage that all of the permutations almost defy description. At their core; however, physician couples face especially potent stress stemming from issues of professional strain, role conflicts, personality and time constraint issues. At their core, physician marriages, like any others, do have common themes. They also have common challenges. Ultimately, marriage is intended to be a quest for intimacy, and a rewarding personal refuge. Closeness, togetherness and human bonds are the goals and rewards individuals seek in such relationships. Precisely because a physician is daily engaged in a high stress field these features are critically needed within the relationship. Physicians set high expectations for themselves professionally. They challenge themselves in every patient encounter to fulfill the highest ideals. Physicians are charged by society, through their training and technology, with the performance on command of the "miracles" of healing in ways unparalleled in human history. They are also threatened daily with draconian consequences should they exhibit human fallibility. The inevitable limitations which the mortal world and human experience enforce upon the physician can leave them feeling anxious, self-conscious, and vulnerable. The consequences of such strain often carries over into the home life, both for themselves and, whether by intention or not, their spouse. By example physicians appear to live by the axiom that, "Doctors are supposed to care for others ... we're not supposed to need care ourselves" [1]. Unintentionally, this approach can shut out exactly those whom both wish to come in and whom the physician needs and perhaps even wants to come in. In a study of physicians' wives seeking psychiatric care, depression was the most common presenting diagnosis. Furthermore, "the chief precipitating factor in the spouse's illness was absence of the husband - the feeling of being excluded or left out."[2]. This of course, can be more than just physical absence, but also exclusion from life's details and decision making. Decision making skills do not always carry themselves over well from the office to the home. While the situation at hand may have an obvious conclusion, pronouncing this by immediate and final edict may miss the point entirely. As society moves ever faster, driven by technology's ever increasing pace, sometimes it is the journey to the decision which counts. Showing patience and allowing the partner to express their thoughts, followed by a discussion which evolves into the solution, even if it is unchanged, is a process by which one shares an experience with another, and through which respect is imparted upon the thoughts and merits of the other. It is essential that when a physician is home that such interpersonal engagement happen. It is counterproductive for the time spent at home to only be comprised of recuperation from exhaustion. Time, energy and effort must be fed into the marriage so that in its life it is healthy and flourishing as well. This exercise will commonly return more energy than it requires. Discussions such as that which is outlined above can be a means of sharing quality time and rendering one's attention and regard to one's spouse. Furthermore, they can be an exercise in "caring for" the marriage rather than "curing" the problem at hand. Understanding the difference between these two attitudes can initially be sublime but, ultimately, can have an inestimable impact on the tone and outcome of the marriage. Physicians are exhaustively trained to be dispassionate and clinically objective. When other human beings are only addressed in an objective manner then they remain, to a degree, strangers. These are not skills which enhance one's ability to be endearing, warm and supportive at home. Further, they can unintentionally serve to keep those at home, to some degree, as strangers. Indeed, left without balance by other efforts and traits a clinician's approach can unintentionally form a cocoon around the physician's psyche. Many physicians end up making life and marriage choices in response to unattended to loneliness when it is actually their own approach to their vocation which magnified the feeling back upon themselves. Paradoxically, a physician's need to serve others can have a negative impact on marriage. Physicians can engage in such a degree of self sacrifice that they are uncomfortable or unwilling to accept the sacrifices others make on their behalf. Habitual self sacrifice can induce personal problems which then metastasize into the marriage. While marriages involve willing sacrifices it is important to engage in balanced interplay and interdependence. Should the necessary elements and steps to form a complete, healthy, and intimate bond in a marriage not occur then there tend to be inescapable consequences. If the couple remains, at some levels, strangers to each other, then their individual rates and directions of growth often diverge. They may grow in different directions, or one may outpace the growth of the other, socially or cerebrally. Alternatively, one may atrophy, regressing towards one's own historical patterns or becoming prisoner to one's own innermost fears. What does this have to do with the business of medicine? Physicians engaged in the practice of medicine, running a business, are caught in an incontrovertible paradox. Physicians today continue to exhibit professional altruism and commitment of time without equal. Physicians today also face incomparable and mounting expenses and bureaucratic intrusions into their operation of their own practices. The impossibility of these circumstances begs the need a relief valve, a role potentially perfectly filled by the support of the spouse. It is essential to the successful conduct of the business of medicine that physicians nurture and benefit from the intimacy and support of marriage rather than allow the pressure to build unchecked. It is important to recognize that the physician, as a purveyor of the business of medicine, should gain from the endeavor. There is no way in which a physician suffering from the profession to the point that their personal life suffers abjectly ends up benefitting the profession, the business of medicine, or its clients, the patients. Consequences including the potential for medical errors, disruptions in the office dynamics, and the human toll all weigh in as parts of the business of medicine. [1] Gerber LA. Married to their Careers: Career and Family Dilemmas in Doctors' Lives. New York: Tavistock Publications, 1983. [2] Miles JE, Krell R, Lin T. The Doctor's Wife: Mental Illness and Marital Pattern. Int'l J Psychiatry in Med 1975;6:481-48.

Don't you just hate

when your inlaws meddle! Ew.

Everyday is a new day

Yesterday's rant session was really cathartic and I feel so much better. FDR and I talked it out and everything is relatively back to normal. It really boils down to a "I need a moment" moment. I have my little tantrum and then after I calm down, I can think rationally again. My fears are still there, but I push forward. I love FDR so much. He takes so much grief from me, but he does take it. :-) I get to see him a week from tomorrow.

It hasn't even started yet

The wedding planning is already getting frustrating. I feel like I am planning this myself. I am not the traditional bride who has been dreaming about their wedding since she was a little girl. I thought if I had, then the courthouse would be the practical thing to do. Well...FDR has been dreaming about a wedding since he was little...but guess who is unavailable to plan their dream wedding? So now I feel stuck planning a wedding that is for someone else. I do have girlfriends who will help with things, but I really want him to be involved in the process. Today, the caterer was calling him to follow up on the deposit and finalizing a contract, so what does he do? Calls me and asks me to call them back. Did he ask them any questions about what they need or what we need? No. I call them. It took two seconds to be done with what needed to be done. I'm annoyed. He says he having a rough day and that he's tired. It seems like everyday he is having a rough day and is tired. What about my rough and tired days? We still have responsibilities to attend to, especially when it involves time and money. My venting sesh is over. I hope I never become a bridezilla because my groom can't help plan is own wedding. Lame.

Texts I get from him to let me know he cares...

I love when he tells me that he's thinking of me. 

It makes all the stress and effort worth it.

Playing Superwoman

Having FDR work so much for such little monetary return, I feel myself trying to "save" him financially. When he wants to visit, we want to do something special or if something comes up, it's hard for him to budget in any extra costs. When his research is stressful and the pressure is on, I feel that I am taking on that emotional load to support him. I have become his superhero sidekick to help him fight through this program. On top of it all, I am trying to find other work, planning a wedding and moving this month.

What are my limits or boundaries? I have no clue. I would do anything for him. I need and want to be his Superwoman. But I do ask in return the same effort reflected in his studies and managing his budget in a practical fashion. I hope for some small slice of emotional availability for when I need some emotional comfort. I need to feel like I am still in a relationship, especially since we are long-distance. I know that when being involved with someone who is heavily involved in a graduate program, it's not easy to ask for anything that could distract or detract from their success. I am always conflicted with my feelings and afraid to share that burden. I guess I do relate to the average superhero. Nonetheless, I am thankful for him and any time that I get to spend with him. Next time I fly down for a visit is in two weeks. :-)

What a breath of fresh air!

I am so refreshed and appreciative that there are other women out there that are willing to share their experiences as a partner of a MD, med student or even (most exciting) MD/PhD!
Since my journey started with FDR, I have been looking for support, advice, insight, etc. to help me prepare for what was happening and what was going to happen. I remember going to family orientation and just crying. The school staff were pretty frank about the 10-15 year marathon that was just starting. I felt like I had no control over my life, which is another reason why I decided to stay. FDR's parents were moving him in and were so happy and I was just crying. I felt angry because I felt alone yet selfish. My feelings are always conflicting since he has been on the MD/PhD road. But it has been so worth having our own time while not being a distraction for him. If anything, it has been a motivating factor for him to get through his research the best he could. Meanwhile, I have had time to process and accept what I wanted and what I had to sacrifice to get what I wanted. This experience has been so difficult, yet has solidified our commitment to each other.

I'm so glad I found an outlet. *Taking a sigh of relief*

Long Distance Relationships in the Media

Today I was watching MTV's True Life "I'm in a long distance relationship." I found the episode dealing with stereotypical topics such as paranoia regarding cheating and trust. Obviously this is a common and reoccurring theme that all couples must deal with. However, long distance relationships are not for the sensitive or causal heart. They require a strong sense of self, strong moral fiber, and communication. The media seems to highlight the impending doom and rarely features how they could work. It's not because there's no drama, because there certainly are moments, but perhaps because it's not an ideal lifestyle. My personal advice, do not engage unless you are looking to become engaged one day.

The most ironic media portrayal has come from the movie "Going the Distance" (SPOILER ALERT). I thought it would be a fun movie that my fiancee and I could relate to and talk about. However, it made us depressed more than anything (such as guy drives girl to airport in silence) and then to end the story with guy living in Los Angeles and girl living in San Francisco, which is basically our situation that didn't provide us a happy ending. That was the depiction of a long distance relationship that spoke to me. As much as I hate it, it's true. Bravo, Drew Barrymore, you made me cry.

Any other long distance love stories out there?

How did I get here?

I decided to start a blog because I actually found wife of a md phd student's blog to be quite an inspiring concept for connecting and releasing cathartic energy surrounding the surrounding support of committing to a MD/PhD student. On top of it all, we have been living 450 miles apart for the last three years. For professional reasons, we decided this was the best option at the time. He was only suppose to be in a two year Master's program that evolved into a four year PhD and then a sweetened offer for a free dual program...to say the least, I am ready for us to live in the same county, city and home. 


He has passed his comprehensive exams, received his white coat, and has eleven published pubs. I am so proud yet I am sad to see him be consumed by the beast of scientific research. It is so frustrating to hear the sabotage and injustice involved in research - so self serving for a public service industry. S tells me he feels like he has been sent to four years hard labor. It is terrible to hear your loved one feel that way about their work. We have lost count of how many all nighters there have been. His PI just verbally abuses everyone in the lab. But there is a light down the tunnel. Almost over.


We hold onto the future, which gets us through the daily grind. I am trying to find another job that is closer, but my own industry is in a state of chaos - hiring freezes, budget cuts, politics...whatever happens, we will be married in the fall of next year and I am moving in. :)


Though it sounds like a lot of complaining, I have really learned that nothing worth having rarely comes easy.